50 Things Erik Hates About Phangirls
by phanpiggy
Summary: Are you up for some gut-wrenching comedy? If so, you HAVE to read this hilarious guide of what not to do in Erik's presence and how to overcome Phangirliness! PLEASE R&R!


Okay, this is just a totally random idea I had, so here it goes… Sorry if parts of it are kinda dirty—I just felt like being silly!

**Phangirlism**

Do you personally wet yourself every time you hear the name Erik? Do you have fits of hyperventilation while listening to The Music of the Night? Do you produce highly feminine squeals when thinking about masked weirdoes who live beneath opera houses? If so, then you could be suffering from **Phangirlism.** Phangirlism is a deadly illness in which the effected person has no control over herself and must worship the Phantom like a monkey worships bananas. You may be wondering, "How do I treat my Phangirlism?" Well, first off, Erik doesn't like many of the behaviors exhibited by your typical 'phangirl', so to treat this life-threatening disease, try to discontinue the following behaviors that piss Erik off…

**What Not To Do If You Wish To Overcome Your Phangirliness/ 50 Reasons Erik Hates Phangirls**

They lick the very dirt he walks on.

He finds them lying in his swan bed, breathing into the blankets, rolling their eyes to the back of their skulls whilst inhaling the 'Erik Fumes'.

On Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa (even Chriskwanukkah, the delightful combination of all three), phangirls will send him decorative holiday socks hoping to appease him.

Erik does NOT appreciate it when you 'squeeze the lemon', 'urinate', 'go pee-twinkle', or whatever you wish to call it, in his lake… Certainly don't 'drop the kids off at the pool' in the lake if you know what I mean.

He will kill you if you touch the mask, think about the mask, breath on the mask, or make out with the mask.

He doesn't find it amusing when you draw a Hitler moustache on his Christine manikin.

Nor does he find it humorous if you steal his trousers to wear as a kick-ass hat.

If you attempt to sacrifice Christine to a pack of savage monkeys to do away with the competition, Erik can and will Punjab you.

He will not like it if you use his hairbrush to brush your armpit hair (I doubt many people would find that to their liking).

10.) Erik does NOT want you to send him subscriptions to TeenVogue.

11.) You should not imitate Shamu or any other performing, aquatic mammals in his lake.

12.) You should not try to dye his hair hot pink.

13.) Erik doesn't want you sending baskets full of cuddly kittens down to his lair.

14.) Thou shalt not breathe on him while he is sleeping.

15.) Raoul and Erik slash fics piss Erik off more than watching all the Barney the Dinosaur videos consecutively would. Seriously people, Erik and Raoul never have and never will make-out!

16.) If you can't sing, please, don't cause poor, unhappy Erik more suffering—refrain from singing! And belting out Point of No Return will not up your chances of having crazy, hot, steamy, monkey sex with him (that right is reserved for Christine in LND).

17.) Tying Erik up, throwing him in your closet and proceeding to force him to answer trivial questions will obviously tick him off big time.

18.) Erik finds it highly disturbing if you sleep with an Erik plush doll.

19.) Erik finds it even more disturbing if you wear a half-mask on a daily basis… Actually, I find that disturbing too.

20.) When Erik and Christine kiss at the end, he doesn't like you spoiling the moment by making kissing sound effects.

21.) You probably should not ask Erik if he wears boxer or briefs… or maybe he goes commando? NO UNDIES FOR ERIK!

22.) Do not play his organ with your feet, especially if your feet are dirty.

23.) Erik doesn't like it when you play dress-up in his wardrobe.

24.) Erik does NOT want to listen to the Hannah Montana soundtrack.

25.) Erik does not like you to put a bucket full of hamsters in his underwear drawer… No matter how soft and furry they are—I'm talking about the hamsters, not his underwear. Erik doesn't wear fur-lined undies even though that would be kinda hot.

26.) Do not 'pass gas' in Erik's lake and say, "Looky! I made bubbles."

27.) Do not blow your boogers on Erik's music sheets—that's just nasty.

28.) Bringing Erik ham sandwiches will not make him love you—he'll just kick you out of his lair even if said sandwiches are made with love.

29.) It'll make Erik mad if you kill Raoul—he wanted the honor of doing so…

30.) Do not use his paintings as origami paper, especially if you were planning on making an origami Raoul.

31.) Do not dress up like Christine hoping he will kiss you—trust me, he'll know the difference.

32.) Do not say the words 'Vicounte', 'Raoul', or 'de Chagny' but you may say 'fop'.

33.) If you are American, don't tell Erik—French people hate Americans (and pretty much everyone except themselves).

34.) Do not make loud, obnoxious beluga whale noises while he is working, or any other time of the day for that matter…

35.) Dressing in Persian robes, while playing the cymbals, and singing 'Masquerade' will not make Erik like you.

36.) Telling him that he is a fictional character that was created by a long-dead French guy will make him very upset.

37.) You may own frivolous, collectable Phantom music boxes, except for the one with the fop upon it. If you do, you are hereby banished from phangirliness (I'm talking about you Laura).

38.) Do not ask him if he's ever made love to his Christine manikin. (Can you say desperate?)

39.) Do not pull off his wig, put it on your head, and say, "Look! I'm Chewbacca!" (if you really want to piss him off, make Wookie noises as well)

40.) Don't use his violin bow to scratch your back.

41.) He will be very weirded out if he finds you in the middle of a staring contest with his Christine manikin.

42.) Putting shredded cheese down his organ's pipes will make him pretty mad next time he goes to play.

43.) Telling every phangirl you know how to find Erik would be very bad for him.

44.) You should NOT show Erik any crappy phanphics—he will be greatly offended.

45.) Mention anything about his face and you're as good as dead.

46.) Insult Christine's singing and you are dead, even if he already killed you for the last one, he will still find a way to make you even more dead.

47.) Walking in on him while he is in the bathtub is a bad idea… but totally worth it!

48.) Imitating Lady Gaga for him will not make him happy.

49.) Talking for an hour straight on the importance of a positive self-image will aggravate him.

50.) Lastly and most importantly, do NOT show Erik this list—it shall greatly disturb him and make him have nightmares about all the horrible things phangirls could do to him.

**Together, we can all overcome our super creepy, disturbing, obsessive Phangirlism.**

************************************************************************Well, that's that. My next chapter for my story 'To Love A Ghost' should be posted sometime between now and Memorial Day—please read it and review it!


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